Life makes more sense when we think of it as a blank canvas with no eraser. Every movement, every line, is of the utmost importance and everything must be carefully planned.
Or maybe it would make more sense to describe life as a game. A game that continues no matter how tired, hurt or conflicted one might feel. A game where we're quick to celebrate taking the first step and reluctant to take the final step. And at the end of the day, when you're drained of energy, you find yourself replaying every misstep and every oversight.
~ ~ ~
Brian stood in front of his mirror fixing his hair nervously, seeing if he looked better with his hair combed a certain way. He fidgeted uncomfortably trying to strike a pose. Somehow it didn't feel right. He frowned, furrowing his brows gently. His inner saboteur began to speak. How many striped shirts do I have ?! Brian suddenly felt unhappy in his choice of an outfit.
He snapped out of his trance and glanced back at the mirror and began to look over his appearance again with desperate precision.
The knock on his door was like a shock to his system.
"A-Ah. Come in."
Keep it together. The inner voice chided him.
"Hey." It was Derek. Pow! Another shock to the system like an unexpected hit to the heart. His cheeks instantly flushed. Derek was tall, handsome and had an effortless confidence about him.
"Oh. Hey. How are you?" Isn't that a bit formal? "Did you need something?" Brian smiled amicably.
"I was going to go to the movies. Do you want to come with me?" Derek asked in a soft voice. It was obviously a friendly gesture. Brian smiled. He wasn't wildly in love with Derek but it would be wrong to say that he didn't at least feel something for him.
"Do you need some time to get ready?" Derek had noticed him looking at the mirror.
"No. I I think I'm ready. Are we going now?"
"Yeah. Let's go." Derek smiled gently. Another punch to the heart.
The way over was in complete silence. Brian had wanted to say something to Derek but with each passing moment of awkward silence he felt the pressure to speak slowly weigh him. The longer he waited, the more it would sound like an awkward conversation or small talk. When Brian finally gathered the courage to say something, they had already reached the movie theater.
As they walked, Brian's eyes spotted something lying on the ground. As Derek moved on ahead, Brian stopped to pick it up, crouching down. His eyebrows furrowed as he saw that it was a Tarot card. In orange ornate letters it read, 'The Hanged Man.' The picture had a man hung from a tree by his ankle. His hands were still untied but the Hanged Man made no effort to untie himself.
"What's the matter?" Derek crouched next to Brian.
"Oh. Nothing. I just found this on the ground." Brian blushed slightly before they stood up.
"Isn't it dirty?" Picking something up that was on the floor seemed unhealthy.
"I don't think so I wonder who dropped it." Brian spoke quietly, still examining the card.
"Well, I doubt we'd be able to find them So just keep it. Or throw it out." Derek shrugged his shoulders with a gentle ripple. Brian put it in his pocket, feeling as if it would be mean to throw it out.
When they came to the ticket booth, Brian reached for his wallet.
"I'll buy the tickets." Derek said not waiting for a response, handing his money to the teller.
"Oh but "
"You buy the popcorn?" Derek said shooting him a wry smile.
"Sure." Brian smiled back pleasantly.
All through the movie, Brian could not help but wonder what Derek was thinking. Trying to get a read on him was incredibly difficult. He found himself staring at Derek's scar absently. It looked like it must've hurt when he got it. Brian nearly jumped when Derek turned his head.
"What's the matter?" He whispered.
"W-What do you mean?" Brian turned bright red in an instant.
"You were staring at me." Simply, somewhat perplexed.
"Oh. No. I'm sorry. I-I-I was just thinking " He was quite sure that his blush was vibrant and fluorescent enough to be seen by anyone, even in the dark theater.
You're acting like a crazy person. Just calm down
The rest of the movie was spent in relative silence Derek's silence out of interest in the movie, Brian's silence because he was afraid of saying something stupid. After the movie was over, the two exchanged short words about what the other thought of the movie and which actor they liked and which scene was the best. But after this had finished, they were back to familiar, obtrusive silence. And as expected, the trip back was almost as quiet. When they had gotten back, they walked together for a minute.
"Wow I didn't expect it to be this late " Derek smiled enigmatically. He marveled at the sun's position in the sky.
"Yeah " Brian responded absently, not sure exactly how to respond to that in more than one word.
"Hey, I'll get you go. I had fun though. We should go together again some time." Derek's smile seemed genuine and Brian's confusion seemed to grow. Brian nervously stuck his hands into his pocket.
"R-Really?" The two of them had distinctly different memories of the day, apparently.
"Yeah. I like hanging out with you." Derek said with a small chuckle. Ouch. That laugh was toxically friendly.
Derek turned to leave. Brian abruptly pulled his hands out of his pocket.
"Ah! Wait "
"Would you like to um would you eh " Brian felt as if all the blood rushed right to his face again as the blush took on monstrous proportions. "Would you N-No, never mind. Forget it. It's not important." The minute he said that, the big tomato knew he had just ruined his chances.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah... I'm gonna go." Brian gave a weak smile before abruptly retreating to his room.
There are times when people are so afraid of making a mistake on the canvas that they can't erase that they never pick up the brush. The player that's afraid to miss never takes the shot and likewise, the heart that's afraid to break won't bend. And when the final score gets counted, the player looks back on the game and thinks about what could have been, what would have been and should have been.
Brian took his shoes off somberly before tossing them aimlessly, letting them make a soft noise as they hit the floor. Brian felt the redness surge into his face again not so much out of embarrassment but out of anger directed at himself. He just couldn't seem to say or do what he wanted to without constantly thinking about it. Why did he only think about things instead of doing them?
Out of frustration, he kicked his bedpost, making a louder noise than he had anticipated and causing more pain than he anticipated. He quickly regretted his sudden outburst and grasped at his toe, seething for a moment before
"Are you okay?" Derek quickly let himself in, catching Brian completely off guard again.
"Y-Yeah. What are you doing here?"
"You dropped your card." Derek spoke extending the Hanged Man card to Brian. "It must've fallen out of your pocket."
"Oh T-Thank you."
"I I just stubbed my toe on the bedpost, don't worry." Brian lied quickly and awkwardly.
"Oh. Here, let me see. You didn't break it did you?"
"I don't think so "
Brian caught himself staring at Derek's scar again.
Maybe everyone does have scars but maybe some scars are worth the pain. And maybe some aren't. Scars can be marks of achievement or failure.
Guess what guys! I'm
reopening my stores
(Etsy and Storenvy)
and commissions, I
can finally announce
that I'm getting
married and I need
to save as much as
possible for the big
day, July 27th.
before anyone asks,
the wedding is not
been planning it for
a long time...
Sorry, I can't
believe it's been so
long since I've done
this "orzEdit: I
forgot, but my
friend here's having
it's about your
with your favourite
food. It can be your
own character or
FIRSTLY: thank you
so much for all your
kind birthday wishes
and little gifts!
:hug: you made me
:heart:I hope this
small feature can
bring a smile to
your faces, too
:)enjoy and make
sure to fave some of
this great pieces!
;)and now we move on
to the first part of
would like to
address something I
have been seeing as
of late here and on
other sites. Artists
who are asking if
commission them if
they were to offer
commissions and if
so, how much should
they charge or how
much are they
willing to pay?
`anmari has been spreading her infectious positivity throughout our community for over 6 years. Throughout this time Ana has been at the core of all things devious, passionately developing an eclectic gallery, helping organise devmeets, participating in chat events and also recently completed dedicating her time as a Community Volunteer. We are absolutely delighted to bestow the Deviousness Award for May 2013 to `anmari, congratulations! Read More